BITCH!!

I was going home and thought it weird (even in a drunken kinda way), I kept bumping into her each time I got home from the pub

She would pretend not to be staring at me, then amble silently behind me, closer each time… spooky yeah?

Then one day, she threw caution to the wind and charged right at me, all I could think is “shit!!”- that’s the most I could come up with considering my most inconvenient heels that gave me five inches that came in handy during my ‘this-is-THE-kick-ass-campaign’ pitch earlier on that day, bulky handbag, cigarette in one hand and phone in the other- mid ‘drunk smsing’, I wasn’t about to start sprinting… so I did what I had learnt from my earlier toddler days closed my eyes, held my breath and stood real still, if I cant see her then I am not here, right?...

… what seemed like an eternity later, I opened my eyes and she was seated right in front of me staring with this quizzical look on her face; so I did the next logical thing, now that I was invisible I could try tip toe (try that in high heels) to my door, about 50 metres away. And she figured all is weird but good (considering she only appeared when I was intoxicated) and she got on to wagging her tail, and proceeded to sniff her introduction to me while nudging bulky handbag with head…

Drunken “ooooooooh….”

She then scampered off and came with a brood/litter of puppies… I was taken! And there started my odd love affair with Mandy the bitch!

She was soon lounging in front of my door after the watchmen around the flats had sold off the puppies, getting me to change my pants every other morning as she soiled them gleefully with her muddy paws… and fancied this the highlight of her day.

She almost burst with excitement when I took to jogging around the block several times… I was a woman after her heart… as she ran back and forth.

She never learnt how to catch or fetch.... whatever…. Or just assumed that I was trying to exercise when I threw a stick, she dutifully walked me to the stick each time and grabbed it out of my hand like she wanted to ‘throw’ while I ‘fetched’.

She knew that I couldn’t stand the kids back from school congregating outside my block to play and talk at volume 30… so she rounded up all the rest, and convinced them to pet her and chase her up and down right outside my flat raising their volumes to 50!

When Ramu passed on, she sat quietly as I sobbed into the night, trying to hold a sad expression, and hoping that I might decide to go jogging at 3am in the morning...

Life's a bitch and then one adopts you!

another sequel

There have been some good times, probably more to come

Great thoughts, lots of laughter, heated passion that burns distractedly through time

And dark moments that tear loud

Thoughts e’en transient imprint a smile, however distant

Excitement; digging and comparing treasure and skeletons alike

Admiration, excitement, surprises, darkness, sombreness, pain

Another time and another place

Locks picked; healing whilst others are just not meant to be

Time has come to build some; memories and skeletons alike

I hear, I forget; I write, I remember; I do, I never forget

Cliché is what is boring, but that is probably why it is so

Out of context, that which we seek lives in a timeline, not herein

The strengths we see maybe fading imprints of times past,

The spark and sometimes cackle may threaten to come to life but soon smoulder and nothing but sooty smoke is left

Once upon a time I loved hard, then converse came to pass each and every time; and I will keep on so

Age teaches us the balance in life

Prey and predator always have a place, but two of the same soon part ways

For every action a reaction; good, evil; love, hate and it maybe you, or me

I hate the ordinary words put together… they don’t begin to explain feel

I have these doors in front of me ol’ friend,

The digging’s done; I would like to start building

I open these, but I have to close the other

Mine eyes are weary, my hands are no longer with dirt, my being is itching and ready for go

I still love, I still smile, and reminisce I probably will still have or not

The last song played is ringing in my ears, and for the first time I really got it…

“No, I do not… ok maybe a little”

I end with my beloved semi-colon… it may be shut, but not locked xxx;

the one...

Sticky First Date....

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started.

In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Cest mon ami??

I cannot use his real name… Kampala is too small a town and the world seems to be converging towards one centre… like a black hole of sorts- it must be the shrinking poles… think drowning polar bears and mating penguins… north and south poles…any other thought qualifies for a not so happy one month in this new year! So I shall pick Claude.

My very first introduction to Claude was as a pawn being rammed down his throat by his CD. His uninterested jaded outlook gave way to a distant gleam that was fully matured to the full tale tell signs of a amateur poker player with aces… oh dear, I really did push it this time- this wasn’t the deep end, more like we’re in the dark waters darling, think astronomy, astrology or whichever noun you think will get to shore if the sharks, or unfriendly giant jelly fish, no- sting rays don’t get you first. Then again, if you cant swim- might as well drink up and drown as fast as possible.

Now I may tickle your fancy or bore you to death with the details of the relationship I had with him…. But don’t want to send you to sleep so early in the year- let’s just say, that was a proper introduction to the bitchy world of advertising that I still so love; loved; still love. Work and the additional perks (look at package)

So several years later on the eve of 2008 we hook up again- Chinese dinner, lining our alarmingly thinning stomach walls, or whatever shock therapy all the articles and books say about fueling up before drinking… and we picked up the thread of thought from… uuuh who cares when.

After five minutes of initial bunter- what have you dropped, picked up… I noticed and he says meet Laura. Who is quick to mention how the first trimester’s a bitch… hmmm. Once again fast forward… dinner, fireworks, pub, cab, home… the after party? Yep- breakfast and still yipping on… crash out at various uncomfortable positions guaranteeing a mammoth hangover.

Up at lunch time; hair of a dog; more yik yak… and when the clock struck 3.34… zip- we were done… and as I reflected in not so comfortable silence, in between throwing morsels of conversation at girlfriend I realised… all we did was recap talk, and recap bitch, and recap gossip and recap recap… stop thinking Lissing, go with the moment...going gone

Time to go home. Happy new year… should do this again.

Ps

No- we never did shag!

"hisssssss" said the fiery snake.....

lissssssst of things to do this year... #15 have a tarrot card reading

and in this context and general spirit (spirit haha!!) I figure I may as well check out my chinese horoscope.

I was born in the year of the snake; I am a fire snake- ssssssssso far ssssssso good; I read on...

Snakes are very creative and extremely diligent.
nicsssssssse! Very true!!

They’re excellent problem-solvers and thrive under tight deadlines.

can this pass as a reference letter- surely it has some merit!!

Good career choices for Snakes include: scientist, analyst, investigator, painter, potter, jeweler, astrologer, magician, dietician, and sociologist.

hmmmm...I have a choice between Einstein, Sherlock Holmes, Aitkin, Harry Potter, the flippin analyst and bleeing houdini!!

well, I dont care what you say, I aint fucking CHINESE!!


*mental note... tarrot card reader should not be of chinese origin!!!! wait wait.... apparently there's some more

Fire Snakes are more extroverted, forever offering opinions and telling others what’s on their minds

SSSSSSSSSSSSSS SHUT UP!!

-holism

hi, I’m Lissing and I am uuuuh….

I seem to have gone through the whole of my life in one way…. You want it, get it, gorge it, dump it and move on!

I will eat the same kind of food at all my meals for a week or two… and then, I am so over that! Coffee is not a food, I keep mine in my medicine cabinet.

I tend to do that with people… but a few have remained constant- but we still alike… we go on the dry and binge period when it comes to communicating… it works- let’s not fuck a good thing!

Was bulimic in my early twenties… binge and gorge… got rid of that eventually- it is hard work being a functional bulimic…

My love life was characterised by crush, weeks of swooning and fitting timetable round boyfriend to I am just not that into you…

Started with programming, moved on to French, thought journalism was definitely the way to go, was called (direct translation) for a BSc degree, moved to Bed (sciences) and settled for Music, studied IMIS to the second level, did my piano, and voice ABRSM exams… get the picture?

Worked as a teacher, moved on to grown ups “I said” and went into marketing… the hassle, into radio, advertising…

Clothes… I will have one look for a month or two or week- then it’s out- I have hordes of pairs of shoes I don’t know what to do with- the moment is passed… but hang onto them, just in case there is a comeback.

I am never comfortable with feeling ok… I like, elated, excited, exhilarated, or morbid, dark and rock bottomy… luke warm’s boring-some use words like clinical depression but I like manic depression…, no I am not maniacal! (I just got out of my ‘closet’- and into a bigger one darn- I aint no Houdini)

Knock on the door. Spooky, why? , It’s 3am-I am waiting out my caffeine induced insomnia; I leave right next to Bat Valley; the owners have long since changed to an wedding venue during high season. TV’s made me dumb- I open the door, and there is this bat hovering… thinking Van Helsing… holy water, cross, silver, stake… I settle for scream and slam door before damn blind flying rat who will never have a rhyme after them checks into home.

Speaking of Van Helsing; books and movies… same thing- sit coms, horrors, classics, remakes, epics, reality tv… annoy everyone around me with incessant and obsessive viewing and reading of one genre of books or movies.

I cant tell you how long I have been dry… it was a gradual wean- relapses occur… don’t blame me- I have no sponsor… with this said

Hi, I am lissingmink and I am a Bingeaholic.

What’s your –holism?

You spraken?

Joey in the sitcom, friends- cracking me up… the ‘Joey learns French’ episode (if you got that you are a chick, gay, or still confused about your sexuality). Frenching up the English language as he goes on. “le fleuff!”- whatever that meant.

I want to do that too! I’ve got the Chinese accent down to a Tee- the Indian one always gets me into trouble with Indian business associates, especially when you take the mimicking the body language to portray absolute attention, taking it to the next level- if you don’t speak it, fake accent it!

Anyone want to join the club over a drink and we can French, Chinese, Indian, Zulu it for thirty minutes. It would be good fun;

Rules

there will be no incessant giggling,

topics will be mailed to you a week before rendezvous to allow ample practise in body and language mannerisms.

invite dates to come pick you up at the end of the thirty minute session

advanced class syllabus will include frenching it in bed

RSVP to LM @ comment box!

Le bujoli gelsamble!- French it!!